After everything I’ve done to help her?

Have you ever been here? 

I have had a journal since I was a teenager. It has always been a great place for me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings.  Then along comes my latest hobby of blogging. I know that is not a place for me to share such detailed information.

The purpose of my blog is to encourage others to celebrate our midlife years+ together.  So, before I post anything on this site, I ask myself:

  1. Does it help me and others with our mind?
  2. Does it help me and others with our  body?
  3. Does it help me and others with our spirit?
  4. Does it help me and others with our home?

When I had the initial reaction to what was said about me– Nope!  It did not belong in this space.

Why does it now?  Because I’ve had some time to ruminate on this new information, and quite frankly, it was starting to hurt my mind, my spirit, and I knew eventually my body.  So, I needed to take control of my thoughts.  I wanted to be free of anything negatively affecting my mind, body, or spirit.

Because I’m pretty darn sure, I’m not the only one that has learned something like this was done to them, I wanted to share that it IS possible to move on and NO, I am not a doormat.

I tend to first react and then process…not something I’m proud of, and I’m constantly working on to improve. 

In this situation, I didn’t react…I just let it fester until my Spirit reminded me that there are so many things that I’ve done and said that have hurt others.  Why did I say or do them?  Ouch!!!

So, I’m now looking at this person’s comments to others about me and putting myself in their shoes.  I know this person’s background very well, and from my perspective the talking behind my back, is coming from a place of insecurity.  For me, stepping into that person’s shoes has helped me to accept the individual for who they are and what they may be feeling, maybe even empathizing with them, but not accepting that it is ok to talk about me to others this way.

Does this mean I ignore it and continue to have a close relationship with this person?   Are you kidding me??  Just like if I hurt someone, I would need to earn their trust back and I don’t know if I will ever get there with this person, but what I DO know is I had to make a choice.

I could allow the comments to consume my mind, or forgive that person without them asking or knowing, and move on with what is important in life.

This isn’t an easy one friends…and it certainly doesn’t get easier as we get older.  People are people and continue to hurt each other.  My natural tendency is to cut the person out of my life, but that’s not always possible, but what is possible is boundaries! 

My wonderful Mother knows that I’m a person with few boundaries and am wired to want to help people. Years and years ago, she suggested I read the book Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, but I was too busy raising a family, working, running a house, volunteering at school and church , date nights with my husband and social outings with our friends. I didn’t have time to read it!  Maybe I was missing the point😊

20 Comments on She said what about me??!

  1. I think we’ve probably all been there! It’s hard to find forgiveness sometimes but it truly is the healthiest choice. Congrats on getting to that point & moving on! I think another lesson here is always listen to mama! I’m going to check out that book! Thanks for sharing your story!💕💕

    • Ha! Agree Susie…Mama knows best:) I plan on downloading the book this weekend. Letting go was literally a weight off my shoulders and something just clicked in me and I was good. It is possible to forgive and move on.

  2. Great post, Melanie, as you know, I have had to deal with this issue myself. It’s a hard thing to come to peace with. I don’t know which is worse, having a friend do it or a bunch of people who dont know us at all. In any event, learning to let go, heal and move on is an important part of life. Sometimes even when you have established healthy boundaries we are hurt. Prayers and blessings to you. You have been an inspiration to me as we’ve gotten to know one another. Don’t let anyone cast shade on your beautiful light.

    • I do know, Nina and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Thank you for your encouragement. Boundaries are a challenge for me, but I’m working on it and I’m sure I will be hurt again, but it is possible to forgive, let go and move on. Light trumps darkness all day every day <3

  3. Hi Mel! You’re wise to write about being hurt. Your spirit was nudging you to acknowledge the hurt and to let it out in order to move on. I’m sorry someone has treated you so badly and I admire you for putting yourself in that person’s shoes to try to figure it out. You’ve done what feels right to you. Now you can move on knowing you have SO many people who support, admire and love you. Hold your head high and continue your journey!
    Sending love, light and warm hugs!! Barbie xo

    • Aww Barbie…and I’m accepting that love, light and hugs with open arms. Not easy to do, but oh so worth it. Moving on feels so much better then being stuck. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate you! xx

  4. Hi Mel! You will definitely like the book Boundaries! Be prepared to examine how you think about your relationships and then to possibly change the way you interact with people. I often use the tools and refer others to this book when I think it will help them. Forgiving is good for our souls. I enjoyed reading your blog and have definitely been there <3

    • Thank you Jeryl. Good to know you have read it and even refer it out. Now I’m curious and will be reading it this weekend. Thanks for popping by! Xo

  5. What an important topic and I love your openness with sharing! I think many times talking about others or gossiping comes from that place of insecurity and wanting to fit in with a group…sadly. You don’t think about the person on the other end. But it is hurtful and kindness is always the better choice! I’ve been doing some work with boundaries myself and will look for this book as well. Thank you for this!!

    • Thank you so much Lisa for stopping by. I think you may be right with your thought. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing and I think boundaries will be another great tool for me to add to my “tool chest”.

  6. Oh Melanie, I can’t even imagine who would hurt you, you are one of the sweetest kindest people I’ve ever met! You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit, and so talented at so many things. All things bright and beautiful, that is what you are. I’m one of your biggest fans!

    • Oh Amy… I feel the same about you. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Life can be hard at times, and it’s what we do during those hard times that shapes us, right? thank you for stopping by Amy ❤️

  7. I know I have been there. I have a tendency to just let things go. Most of the time, it is definitely more about them.

    I love that you journal. I wish I had picked up that habit.

    You are a good person. Glad you worked through it!

    • Thanks Kim. I’m usually pretty good at letting go but the more involved this person is in my life and family’s life the harder, but I DID it…that’s what matters:)

  8. Mel… Thank you for sharing your hurt. Here’s some love and a hug.
    Now, here’s some truth…you are growing, shining, and accomplishing something great in life and that person whom has hurt you is so fearful of something that you or I don’t know in their life… that they want to knock you down. Dear friend it has nothing to do with you personally! It’s the reflection of you that is blinding them and they don’t want to see the greater you because it devalues them.
    I know it hurts, especially if it comes from someone that you truly care about. I think we have all experienced this kind of behavior and it hurts no matter how nice or kind we try to be.

    oxoxrd

    Rosemary

    • Rosemary: You hit the nail on the head! I had to take some time before I understood it’s not about ME and about them. I welcome that love and hug. At our age we’ve probably been there a few times and I’m generally pretty good about letting things go, but this one took a little time. It IS possible. Thank you for popping in and your input is so appreciated!

  9. One of the most helpful things I have learned in the past few years is that most often people are behaving and reacting out of their own set of experiences, and usually that has very little to do with me. If I take responsibility for my own part and make amends when I am wrong, things usually go well. I can’t change the past or another person. Just have to keep “my side of the street clean.”

    • Agree Julie! I checked myself and didn’t come up with anything to have the comments shared with others. I do feel as other bloggers have shared, that this person is acting from their own insecurities, most likely fear. I have forgiven and hoping it encourages others to forgive also. I appreciate your comments and taking the time to read.
      Xx Melanie

  10. Mel,

    Thank you for sharing your story.
    I have learned that people who are very insecure will find fault with others to make themselves feel better.
    I have experienced people who had victim personalities who blamed me for their failures because they couldn’t take responsibility for their own actions.
    Always remember who you are and not what you think they think you are.

    Hugs,
    Robin

    • Robin: Thank you for stopping by! I appreciate your input and I suspect insecurity probably played a role in this particular situation, which I don’t understand, but I do try to put myself in their shoes. I was able to forgive and move on with my life, but the relationship has been affected, which does make me sad.
      Hugs back to you! Melanie

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